Special one for my brothers from the Lakeside. Omera, wot is!?
So, being a Luo is not a tribe (or a community), it is a lifestyle.
Infact, it is no longer just a lifestyle, it is a responsibility.
“When you tell a Luo to meet you at Ambassador stage, he arrives and informs you (over the phone) that he is standing opposite the Hilton Hotel.” – Phelix Jalang’o Odiwor
So, where do you belong? Here’s the difference.
1. Luoz – are all over the world …yaani diasporic, highly educated and articulate. I mean Obama type of people… They will die supporting Arsenal FC, Brazil, All Blacks, Harambee Stars and Gor Mahia.
They also understand cricket.
2. Luos – are born and raised in Kisumu, probably went to Kisumu Boys/Girls High schools, then joined Maseno University or Kisumu Poly, work along Oginga Odinga Street in Kisumu and have never travelled past Ahero!
They adore boda boda and Guinness.
3. Jeng’ – were probably born and raised in Nai (read Nairobi ), lived in Lang’ata …or surrounding areas, have been to shags once or twice for dani’s (grandy’s) funeral coz paros insisted. Quotes his/her shags as being upcountry somewhere in Nyanza. You say “amosi omera” to them and they respond “niaje jo vipi”.
During football, they only attend Gor Mahia vs AFC matches played specifically at the Nyayo Stadium (which they insist is called ‘The Brrr… arena’ (Coca-Cola Stadium)
4. Mjaluo – was born in Mombasa , speaks swahili sanifu, broken English and no mother tongue. Full names are Otieno Abdalla or Anyango Amina… (you name it) Is a Muslim, lives in Ganjoni or surrounding areas.
They classify Kisumu people are “watu wa bara”.
5. Jaluo – Odhis ngima tek owada, we a bed e gweng’ ka!! OMERA!!!!
6. Wajaka – are born and raised in Eastlands predominantly Ololo, Okongo, Jeri, Salem , Bangla, Ofaro, Marish, Mbote, and Huruma. They have never gone past Ungem and they only know that they are Luos because of their second names.
They know Kisumu is a town near Nakuru, where you pass ukiishiia kwa kina mbuyu…
Kikuyu Joke
Two kikuyus were standing at the golden gates of heaven awaiting Simon-Peter, the angel to clear them in order for them to get into the Kingdom of God. After telling Simon-Peter what their names were, Simon-Peter looked at the list of acceptees to Heaven that he had with him and noticed that Kamau and Githinji (their names) were not on it. "hmm...that's strange" said Simon-Peter to the two guys, "your names don't seem to be on the list". After some protests from Kamau and Githinji, Peter agreed to go and check with God himself, to verify whether these two indeed had been admitted to the Holy Kingdom. He departed and came back a few minutes later after consulting with the
Heavenly father, but when he came back to the gates, his eyes grew wide with shock and disbelief. "Oh heavens!!" he said to himself.....he started running frantically back to see the Heavenly father, shocked beyond belief. Panting, gasping and hysterical he told God:" Master! Master! They are gone!!! They are gone!!". Confused for a second, God asked ...."Who, the Kikuyus??". "No, Master!" Simon-Peter replied frantically..."The Golden Gates!!"
Funny Kambas Jokes For Your Day!
A Kamba man goes to buy a TV
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
A Kamba calls KQ "How long does it take to fly to Machakos?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you",says the Kamba and cuts the line.
A Kamba was filling up an application form for a job.He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected. After much thought he wrote: Yes!
A Kamba proposes to a woman. She says, "Yes, if you'll bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
He sets off to Maasai Mara and disappears. Finally a search team finds him hunting a huge crocodile. He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims: "The 70th damn croc and this bugger is also bare feet!"
A Kamba goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The Kamba then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Kamba says, "I'll take one!"
The next day, he walks into the office with his new thermos.
His boss asks, "Wow, you have a Thermos! What do you have in it?"
The Kamba replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Coke."
A Kamba went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell it to Kambas," he replied.
The Kamba hurried home removed his beard and changed his hair style, then came back and again told the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses,then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Kamba?"
"Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
Why did 18 Kambas go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
The doctor told the Kamba to run eight kilometers a day for 300 days to lose weight. After 300 days, the Kamba called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem: "I'm 2400 kms away from home."
A Kamba's two sons Kilonzo and Muoki are waiting at the train station for a train to Machakos. A train comes and as the other passengers are boarding, Kilonzo asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Machakos?"
"No," answers the Railway man. "Then Can I ?"asks Muoki.
Having lost his donkey, a Kamba got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing, why are you thanking God?" The Kamba replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
A Kamba got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate: Mother: Kenyan. Father: Kenyan. Kid: Chinese.
"How come you wrote "Chinese" when both parents are Kenyan?" asks the registrar.
The Kamba says, "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
A Kamba, Mwendwa, and a friend, Michael, went to South B. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Michael somehow managed to find a seat downstairs, but unfortunately Mwendwa got pushed to the top. After a while, when the rush was over, Michael went upstairs to see his friend Mwendwa. He met Mwendwa in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands and saying his prayers, scared to death. He asks,"Oi, Mkamba! What the heck's goin'on? Why are you so scared? I was really enjoying my ride down there?" Mwendwa mumbles, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
A Kamba, with two red ears, went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
An Englishman and a Kamba from Kenya were asked to form a sentence with the words: Green, Pink and Yellow.
The Englishman wrote: Every morning I put on my Pink shirt, light up my Green cigarette and look at the Yellow sun.
The Kamba wrote: Every time I hear the phone ring, "Green! Green!", I pink it up and say, "Yellow! Yellow!"
Funny Kikuyu Jokes That Will Leave you in Stitches
Two kikuyus were standing at the golden gates of heaven awaiting Simon-Peter, the angel to clear them in order for them to get into the Kingdom of God. After telling Simon-Peter what their names were, Simon-Peter looked at the list of acceptees to Heaven that he had with him and noticed that Kamau and Githinji (their names) were not on it. "hmm...that's strange" said Simon-Peter to the two guys, "your names don't seem to be on the list". After some protests from Kamau and Githinji, Peter agreed to go and check with God himself, to verify whether these two indeed had been admitted to the Holy Kingdom. He departed and came back a few minutes later after consulting with the
Heavenly father, but when he came back to the gates, his eyes grew wide with shock and disbelief. "Oh heavens!!" he said to himself.....he started running frantically back to see the Heavenly father, shocked beyond belief. Panting, gasping and hysterical he told God:" Master! Master! They are gone!!! They are gone!!". Confused for a second, God asked ...."Who, the Kikuyus??". "No, Master!" Simon-Peter replied frantically..."The Golden Gates!!".
Best Of Kikuyu Love Letter
Kwa mupethi wangu wa samani
Muchatha,
Kwanja ni tharamu kutoka kwa
mwendwo wako mama Connie.
Pili ni kukuambia ya kwaba
nimekukosa thana kutoka hile
ndate yatu huko kwa kiharo na
machimo sya parandise rost.
Nakubuka visuri sana vire
uriniabia yakwaba miguu yangu
hata presidenti Kifaki angeiona
angesema watu wa ministre ile ya
Balala wafanye ikuwe nachonoro
heritej na ati kukuwe na
nachonoro holinday inaitwa
mama connie. Nilifurahia sana
kwa sababu hakuna mutu
asawahi niabia hifyo maicha
yangu yoote. Hii ndio maana
nirikubali kutoa thurware haraka
ingawaje pia wewe ni
muhadisamu sana.
Sijui niandike fipi kwa thababu
vile naandika tu ndio hakiri yangu
hinaenderea kuona mbica yako
na kira kitu kiako. Ofkos siwesi
sahau mwiri wako urichikana na
wangu kupitia hiyo mbiruri yako
tamu sana. Haki ata kama sio
mimi nitakuwa mbimbi yako,
mwenye utaoa atafurahia sana.
Nilipata nafasi ya kufikiria mambo
ya relationchip yetu na wewe.
Kwaja mutoto wangu Connie na
kanicha na nikaona haiwesekani.
Ya pili kira sande ukitoa
uchuhuda unafanyanga naanza
kutetemeka nikikumbuka vile
tulifanya nawewe hiyo siku kiabu.
Sitawahi sahau.
Kusema ukweli si ati sikupedi, ni
vile baba Connie alituma wasee
akasema ako reandy kunioa.
Wasee wameongea na mimi na
nikasikia ni muhimu niitikie huo
mwito. Nataka kukuabia ya kwaba
sitawahi sahau kutengenetha F
CLEF na vile ulinishoot na
mumwago ukipima kahehia
kangu. Tena sitawahi sahau
njokes sako..file uliniambia ati
kamutu kengine unajua kanaitwo
kamuniga ati kakiongea
kananukisaga mudomo unawesa
fikiria ni ubwa msee imethefea
(belch). Tena vile uliniabia wakati
nilikuabia ninanyesha yaani niko
na kawakati…ati. ulisema. kwani
kama kahehia ingekua shule
kunyeshange kila siku..watoto
hawangewahi soma? sijawahi
sikia laini kama hiyo..na mby the
way kama unawesa
kumbuka..nilikutorea handawea.
Sincerely nitakumisururukia
saaana. Najua utachikia fibaya
lakini unaerewo. Na ukumbukage
mbathide yangu. Nitakuacha na
maneno ya Paulo mutakatifu. may
the ngrace of our lornd, and the
raf of ngond, mbe with you now
hend forefa more..Emen.
Yours in love,
Mama Connie
Luhya's Who is Smarter
A Luyha Man invited his friends for his mother's burial.
After lowering the body, the family put a yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave in line with traditions.
The Luhya man smiled & said, according to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get".
A Luo man dropped 100,000k inside and said,
"When the food is finished, buy some more".
A Kisii man dropped 50,000k and said,
"Add this in case it's not enough".
The Kikuyu man smiled and brought out his cheque book & wrote a cheque of 200,000k, dropped it in the coffin & took the 150,000k notes as change, then said,
"withdraw when you reach dear ... It is going to be a dangerous journey we don't know how many robbers are out there and after all we are in a cashless economy!"