Best funny Stories
Story 1
One day a woman wanted to know how the husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore and after writing she put the letter on the table in the bedroom and then hid under the bed…When the husband came back home, saw the letter and read it, he replied on the same paper and then began to sing and dance changing his clothes. He got his phone, dialled someone then said: “Hey babe, am just changing clothes then will join you, as for the other fool it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around with her and has left. I was wrong..really wrong to have married her, I wish I had known you earlier. See you soon honey!” The husband walked out of the room and left. In tears and very upset, the woman got up from under the bed and decided to go and read what the husband wrote on the letter. When she got the letter, it said: “I COULD see your feet under the bed, I didn’t make any phone call.. I am going to buy bread. Stand up, stop your silly games and prepare me a meal….
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
A lady went to a newspaper firm to publish her story saying
“I’m looking for a man who won’t beat me, leave me and who
will satisfy me in bed”.
.
Two weeks later she heard a knock on her door as she
opened, she saw a man with no arms and legs and she asked,
“How can I help you?”
The guy quickly answered, “I’m answering your request for a
man.”
The lady continued, “You have no arms!” The guy answered, “I
won’t beat you”.
Lady: You have no legs.
Guy: I won’t leave you.
Lady: How will you satisfy me in bed?
Guy: What do you think I was knocking with?
“I’m looking for a man who won’t beat me, leave me and who
will satisfy me in bed”.
.
Two weeks later she heard a knock on her door as she
opened, she saw a man with no arms and legs and she asked,
“How can I help you?”
The guy quickly answered, “I’m answering your request for a
man.”
The lady continued, “You have no arms!” The guy answered, “I
won’t beat you”.
Lady: You have no legs.
Guy: I won’t leave you.
Lady: How will you satisfy me in bed?
Guy: What do you think I was knocking with?
Story 2
A Pastor rears chicken in Church
premises, one evening a Cock
went missing.
In Church the next day, Pastor
asked – “who has a cock?” All the
men stood up.
HE said – “No, I mean who has
seen a cock?” All the women got
up,
Pastor- “No,no,I meant who has
seen a cock that isn’t theirs?” Half
of the women got up,
He said “Oh for goodness sake i
mean!! Who has seen my cock?”
All the Choir girls got up.
The Church scattered
premises, one evening a Cock
went missing.
In Church the next day, Pastor
asked – “who has a cock?” All the
men stood up.
HE said – “No, I mean who has
seen a cock?” All the women got
up,
Pastor- “No,no,I meant who has
seen a cock that isn’t theirs?” Half
of the women got up,
He said “Oh for goodness sake i
mean!! Who has seen my cock?”
All the Choir girls got up.
The Church scattered
Story 3
ON SIPENDI UJINGA MIMI
1. Jana, nilikutana na boy fulani akaniuliza
mbona nimekunja uso. ,nikamjibu, nataka
kuiweka kwa Bag. Sababu mi sipendi ujinga.
2. Juzi neighbor yangu alikuja akaniambia
nipunguze sauti ya radio anataka kulala.Jana
akipika chapoo na mimi nkamwambia apunguze
harufu ya chapati nataka kula ugali. Saa hii tuko
kwa landlord tunaongea hio maneno. Ju sipendi
ujinga
3. Ushawahi katia mrembo sana mpaka
anakushow uende kwao akuna mtu kufika
unapata pia yeye hayuko……KUMBE HUYO
MREMBO HAPENDI UJINGA
4. Sasa polisi anatusimamisha eti juu number
plate ya nyuma na ya mbele haifanani, alafu
beshteangu anamuuliza kama uso yake na
matako inafanana…….mi imebidi nicheke sai
tuko central ndo napatiana simu, so nitakua
mteja kiasi .Hata polisi kumbe hawatakangi
ujinga.
5. Ex wangu amenicall kuitisha earphones
zake..nmempelekea earphones nkachukua simu
yangu..nmemwacha akiziconnect kwa radio. Hata
mimi nmerealise sipendangi ujinga.
6.Nimeenda hosi kupimwa ugonjwa,resultskukam
doc ananisho ati choo yangu ni mbaya….sai
najenga ingine, sipendingi ujinga mimi
7. *After sex dem anakuambia umpee panty
ilianguka chini ya bed, unapata ni mbili na
hukumbuki yake ilikuwa colour gani…*Hapo ndio
unatambua ufisi pia haitakangi ujinga*
8 . Nlitoka rave 3am juzi.Kufika Moi avenue taxi
ya home inalipisha 1500 na basi ya kwenda
mombasa inalipisha 700,Nlienda Mombasa na
700 nkarudi na 700 na nkabaki na mia.sitakangi
ujinga mimi.
9. Mlevi anapanda gari alafu coda anamuuliza”na
hii ulevi yako utaenda mbinguni kweli”mlevi
akamjibu”kama mnaenda mbinguni simamisha
gari nishuke Mimi naenda tu apa ngara…….…..
…….PIA MLEVI HAPENDI UJINGA
10.Mtoi wa neighbour amenizoea sana.
nikimtuma kitu kwa duka anakula tu. juzi
nilimtuma mkate akaila, jana nikamtuma blue
band akala. leo nimetuma super glue, saa hii
haongei.ujinga sipendi!..
USICHEKE PEKEE YAKO…SHARE NA WENGINE
1. Jana, nilikutana na boy fulani akaniuliza
mbona nimekunja uso. ,nikamjibu, nataka
kuiweka kwa Bag. Sababu mi sipendi ujinga.
2. Juzi neighbor yangu alikuja akaniambia
nipunguze sauti ya radio anataka kulala.Jana
akipika chapoo na mimi nkamwambia apunguze
harufu ya chapati nataka kula ugali. Saa hii tuko
kwa landlord tunaongea hio maneno. Ju sipendi
ujinga
3. Ushawahi katia mrembo sana mpaka
anakushow uende kwao akuna mtu kufika
unapata pia yeye hayuko……KUMBE HUYO
MREMBO HAPENDI UJINGA
4. Sasa polisi anatusimamisha eti juu number
plate ya nyuma na ya mbele haifanani, alafu
beshteangu anamuuliza kama uso yake na
matako inafanana…….mi imebidi nicheke sai
tuko central ndo napatiana simu, so nitakua
mteja kiasi .Hata polisi kumbe hawatakangi
ujinga.
5. Ex wangu amenicall kuitisha earphones
zake..nmempelekea earphones nkachukua simu
yangu..nmemwacha akiziconnect kwa radio. Hata
mimi nmerealise sipendangi ujinga.
6.Nimeenda hosi kupimwa ugonjwa,resultskukam
doc ananisho ati choo yangu ni mbaya….sai
najenga ingine, sipendingi ujinga mimi
7. *After sex dem anakuambia umpee panty
ilianguka chini ya bed, unapata ni mbili na
hukumbuki yake ilikuwa colour gani…*Hapo ndio
unatambua ufisi pia haitakangi ujinga*
8 . Nlitoka rave 3am juzi.Kufika Moi avenue taxi
ya home inalipisha 1500 na basi ya kwenda
mombasa inalipisha 700,Nlienda Mombasa na
700 nkarudi na 700 na nkabaki na mia.sitakangi
ujinga mimi.
9. Mlevi anapanda gari alafu coda anamuuliza”na
hii ulevi yako utaenda mbinguni kweli”mlevi
akamjibu”kama mnaenda mbinguni simamisha
gari nishuke Mimi naenda tu apa ngara…….…..
…….PIA MLEVI HAPENDI UJINGA
10.Mtoi wa neighbour amenizoea sana.
nikimtuma kitu kwa duka anakula tu. juzi
nilimtuma mkate akaila, jana nikamtuma blue
band akala. leo nimetuma super glue, saa hii
haongei.ujinga sipendi!..
USICHEKE PEKEE YAKO…SHARE NA WENGINE
Story 4
A Girl Returns Home After 5 Yrs.
*FATHER:* (Angry) Where the hell have you been all these years?!
*GIRL:* I was working as a Prostitute in Nairobi
*FATHER:* What!!! Get out of my house you Whore! I don’t want to see u or your face again do you understand?!
*GIRL:* (Crying) Before I go dad, I came to give you ksh2.5 million cheque, and here is 1million for my brother. I have bought a big house in Diani for you with everything in it including a Benz & a hilux double cab
Bye dad.
*FATHER:* What kind of work did you say you were doing?
*GIRL:* (Crying out loud) A prostitute dad!
*FATHER:* Come and give daddy a hug, I thought you said you were a ‘PROSECUTOR’
*FATHER:* (Angry) Where the hell have you been all these years?!
*GIRL:* I was working as a Prostitute in Nairobi
*FATHER:* What!!! Get out of my house you Whore! I don’t want to see u or your face again do you understand?!
*GIRL:* (Crying) Before I go dad, I came to give you ksh2.5 million cheque, and here is 1million for my brother. I have bought a big house in Diani for you with everything in it including a Benz & a hilux double cab
Bye dad.
*FATHER:* What kind of work did you say you were doing?
*GIRL:* (Crying out loud) A prostitute dad!
*FATHER:* Come and give daddy a hug, I thought you said you were a ‘PROSECUTOR’
*SHIKAMOO PESA
Story 5
The way the sun is heating planet
earth…mandume tukifika kwa nyumba we just
need to confirm that we are not walking around with boiled eggs..
earth…mandume tukifika kwa nyumba we just
need to confirm that we are not walking around with boiled eggs..
Story 6
Jealousy is when you see dogs having sex and you start throwing stones at them. Is any of them your ex??
Story 7
Unatoka kubuy dania alafu unapatana na maboys…inabidi uzitafune kama miraa wasijue hutumwa sokoni
Peer pressure haipendi ujinga
Peer pressure haipendi ujinga
Teacher:what is the past tense of “she is pregnant”
Student:she was fucked
Student:she was fucked
watoto wa jubilee wametulemehawataki ujinga hawa
Him: Babe are you ok??
Her: I’m Pregnant
Him : What? But we used protection
Her : Did I say its yours??
madem
Her: I’m Pregnant
Him : What? But we used protection
Her : Did I say its yours??
madem
Masai alipeleka radio kwa fundi.ilipofuguliwaMENDE wakatoka ndani ya radio masai alipiga
kelele akasema ERO KAMATA HAO
WATANGASAJI WANATOROKA!!!!
Pia wamaasai hawa pia hawapendi ujinga
“Leo nimeleta dem kipofu kwangu.mapenzi yameshika ikabidi nimemchomoa manguo teketeke saa ameniekelea mkono nikaskia”wow beb this is the best size of dick I’ve ever touched.I love it
sasa naomba mawaidha juu bado sijamwambia ni mguu yangu ameshika
Hata vipofu hawapendangi ujinga”
sasa naomba mawaidha juu bado sijamwambia ni mguu yangu ameshika
Hata vipofu hawapendangi ujinga”
*Mlevi flani alingia kanisani wakati ibaada inaendelea,akaenda kukaa karibu na dada mmoja mrembo.Wakati pasta anahubiri mlevi akamnogonezea yule dada* ” _naomba unipe ~kuma~_” . *dada akashtuka akamjibu huoni aibu kutamka kitu kama hiyo kanisani?Mlevi naye akamjibu nawewe hauoni aibu kuja nayo kanisani*???
Walevi pia hawapendangi ujinga
A mzungu once told me in downtown Chicago eti every penetration is sweet. No wonder women call GOD in bed during sex.inaweza haiwezi
inaweza haiwezi
*Kate*: Hello bae
*steel*: Hello dear
*Kate*:Nitumie credo
*steel*:Eeh Tumia
*Kate*:
*steel*: Hello dear
*Kate*:Nitumie credo
*steel*:Eeh Tumia
*Kate*:
pia mimi Sipendangi ujingaTeacher:why were u absent?
Student:my dad is in Hospital..
Teacher:(after two days again)how is ur dad?
Student:he is still in hospital…
Teacher:why whats wrong??
Student:He is a Doctor…
Kumbe pia student hapendi ujinga
Na mcheke staki ujinga
Bangi ni mbaya!
mi na beste yangu tunabishania ndege imepita sai, namwambia imebeba Uhuru, ananiambia uongo kaa ingekua imebeba prezzo kungekua na pιĸιpιĸι
mi na beste yangu tunabishania ndege imepita sai, namwambia imebeba Uhuru, ananiambia uongo kaa ingekua imebeba prezzo kungekua na pιĸιpιĸι
How I met my love Nakhumicha on Facebook
Well, it all started with a simple
friend
request on fb, Nakshi Msupa wants to
be your
friend. Nikasema Why not,navenye
anakaa
Rihana. Kidogo kidogo ka mes mes
inbox,ati
“thanx for the add” (btw,am I the
only one
who hates this stuff?) Being a
gentleman I am
I replied “welcome” kumbe nimeopen
mlango
ya maswali.. unastay wapi, nikam ama
ntachomwa na maji moto(usually used
to
confirm if you’re married or
not) .Facebook
being boring for a chat,we exchanged
numbers.
Confirming she wasn’t on WhatsApp, I
had to
go back to fb to dig up her photos,I
found only
two more photos;one of flowers in a
jar &
another of heels. Masaa ya sms saved
my day
since she was “in love” already and
wanted us
to meet. This cold season buttered
with a dry
spell, my friend ni ngori, being a
Tuesday, we
were to meet the next day, that is
today!. That
evening the caretaker came for the 1
k ya
stima, unfortunately we disagreed ju
hiyo tu
ndio nilitegemea for my upcoming
date. I
bought a candle since alijifanya msee
wa kplc.
She called me to say good night &
damn!!!
That dulcet! Sauti inaweza fanya
Uhuru akose
freedom, sauti ya kumtoa nyoka
boxani.
I couldn’t wait to see her perfectly
curved
physique, the night seemed to be 24
hours,I
even texted her at midnight to ask
whether
she was tired,coz she was running
through
my mind. She said she was out of
airtime,since I wanted her real
names, I send
her 50 via Mpesa,believe me
not..anaitwa
Nakhumicha Mafwentexhere (Nko na
shida ya spelling bt ilikuwa kitu kama
io) .She got dirty &
threw in a naughty question, “r u gud
in
bed?” After thinking a careful
thought hehehe
nikamshow nilianza kusave kwa
kitanda since
utoi,in simple, (do yu need to go to
university to understand what i
mean??? ) ok, i mean I’m not poor in
bed. I slept with a half written text
on my
phone,which I deleted & wrote “good
morning
beb” when I woke up. and she replied
*mrng two* (honestly lying, this
Margot if a fagot )
It was late morning, I hurriedly took
a shower
(kwa basin) then a heavy breakfast
(kangumu
9 na chai) since I wasn’t sure the 1 k
was
enough lunch for both of us. I chose
the best
attire in my “wardrobe” (sinanga hiyo
kitu) ni selele bag ya NAIVAS
with no power,my smartphone was
displaying
battery percentage in red. Luckily I
Had my
mulika mwizi backup fully charged, I
smeared
my eyebrows with saliva as I closed
the door
off for the super date.
By 11:30 am I was sitted at the 3
stars hotel
we agreed, sipping my glass of mango
juice.I
was doubting if she would appear coz
this
snake game was getting boring..then it
vibrated,a text from her “am
here,uko wapi?”
Lifting my head up I saw a girl at the
door.
My first thought was “si ningelipa
stima tu”,I
replied to her smile with a plastic one.
She
walked in and shock on me; she had
two
bodyguards. Why would a short
rounded gal
na tumbo ya ghorofa need a
bodyguard?
She introduced her friends to me as
they
ordered food,……chips kuku…..,pizaa
…
Me too… I said am good with my
juo..kimoyomoyo I was like ghai nani
atalipa,I
don’t have even half the money.
Hii ni date ama chama? The voices in
my
head asked as they laughed and ate.
Under the table I removed my simcard
and
my discovery battery slowly &
silently.With
my glass of juice half empty I left my
phone
on the table and excused myself to
the
washrooms. Having calculated I can
buy
another mulika thief phone at 500/=,
I went
and went and went and went…until I
reached
my door steps. I guess watu waliosha
vyombo
all day,ama walichonga viazi, I don’t
know
since I blocked her everywhere and
picked no
calls from new numbers. Blind Date
achia vipofu
Well, it all started with a simple
friend
request on fb, Nakshi Msupa wants to
be your
friend. Nikasema Why not,navenye
anakaa
Rihana. Kidogo kidogo ka mes mes
inbox,ati
“thanx for the add” (btw,am I the
only one
who hates this stuff?) Being a
gentleman I am
I replied “welcome” kumbe nimeopen
mlango
ya maswali.. unastay wapi, nikam ama
ntachomwa na maji moto(usually used
to
confirm if you’re married or
not) .Facebook
being boring for a chat,we exchanged
numbers.
Confirming she wasn’t on WhatsApp, I
had to
go back to fb to dig up her photos,I
found only
two more photos;one of flowers in a
jar &
another of heels. Masaa ya sms saved
my day
since she was “in love” already and
wanted us
to meet. This cold season buttered
with a dry
spell, my friend ni ngori, being a
Tuesday, we
were to meet the next day, that is
today!. That
evening the caretaker came for the 1
k ya
stima, unfortunately we disagreed ju
hiyo tu
ndio nilitegemea for my upcoming
date. I
bought a candle since alijifanya msee
wa kplc.
She called me to say good night &
damn!!!
That dulcet! Sauti inaweza fanya
Uhuru akose
freedom, sauti ya kumtoa nyoka
boxani.
I couldn’t wait to see her perfectly
curved
physique, the night seemed to be 24
hours,I
even texted her at midnight to ask
whether
she was tired,coz she was running
through
my mind. She said she was out of
airtime,since I wanted her real
names, I send
her 50 via Mpesa,believe me
not..anaitwa
Nakhumicha Mafwentexhere (Nko na
shida ya spelling bt ilikuwa kitu kama
io) .She got dirty &
threw in a naughty question, “r u gud
in
bed?” After thinking a careful
thought hehehe
nikamshow nilianza kusave kwa
kitanda since
utoi,in simple, (do yu need to go to
university to understand what i
mean??? ) ok, i mean I’m not poor in
bed. I slept with a half written text
on my
phone,which I deleted & wrote “good
morning
beb” when I woke up. and she replied
*mrng two* (honestly lying, this
Margot if a fagot )
It was late morning, I hurriedly took
a shower
(kwa basin) then a heavy breakfast
(kangumu
9 na chai) since I wasn’t sure the 1 k
was
enough lunch for both of us. I chose
the best
attire in my “wardrobe” (sinanga hiyo
kitu) ni selele bag ya NAIVAS
with no power,my smartphone was
displaying
battery percentage in red. Luckily I
Had my
mulika mwizi backup fully charged, I
smeared
my eyebrows with saliva as I closed
the door
off for the super date.
By 11:30 am I was sitted at the 3
stars hotel
we agreed, sipping my glass of mango
juice.I
was doubting if she would appear coz
this
snake game was getting boring..then it
vibrated,a text from her “am
here,uko wapi?”
Lifting my head up I saw a girl at the
door.
My first thought was “si ningelipa
stima tu”,I
replied to her smile with a plastic one.
She
walked in and shock on me; she had
two
bodyguards. Why would a short
rounded gal
na tumbo ya ghorofa need a
bodyguard?
She introduced her friends to me as
they
ordered food,……chips kuku…..,pizaa
…
Me too… I said am good with my
juo..kimoyomoyo I was like ghai nani
atalipa,I
don’t have even half the money.
Hii ni date ama chama? The voices in
my
head asked as they laughed and ate.
Under the table I removed my simcard
and
my discovery battery slowly &
silently.With
my glass of juice half empty I left my
phone
on the table and excused myself to
the
washrooms. Having calculated I can
buy
another mulika thief phone at 500/=,
I went
and went and went and went…until I
reached
my door steps. I guess watu waliosha
vyombo
all day,ama walichonga viazi, I don’t
know
since I blocked her everywhere and
picked no
calls from new numbers. Blind Date
achia vipofu
MATHE NEXT DOOR
chapter
hahhaha nikajua mtego umejiingiza ata panya za kayole aziezi jiingiza.’utakunya breakfast ama?ju mi ni hustler alf nataka hii mali nikajibu mbio mbio eeeeeh bado sijapika.si kijana wa watu nikaekewa chai alf ilikua strong tea compared to uji nilikua niende kukunywa.
’mbona usioe’ama unaogopa expenses?mi nika mjibu I had a girl though tuliachana.”sorry”mbona mliachana if I may ask?i loved the girl so shida ilikua kwa sex.madem uniacha even before we fuck”I had to use this words ndo mathe wa watu akue horny.wengi usema nikona dick kubwa na dem ashai accommodate dick yangu we only fucked once then she left though I pity her coz niliacha mtaro.from then I have to date a girl without showing her my mujubleng ju ataniacha.mathe wa watu akaniangalia na huruma nikajua we nihurumie design nitakulima utajua mchimba kisima utumbukia mwenyewe.
in this case I knew siezi tumbukia cos hawa madem wanono ukua na pussy tight alf utu twingine tukonde ka sphaggetti unapata shimo kubwa kuliko shimo la tewa.alaf sijawaambia,
……….Chapter
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chapter
hahhaha nikajua mtego umejiingiza ata panya za kayole aziezi jiingiza.’utakunya breakfast ama?ju mi ni hustler alf nataka hii mali nikajibu mbio mbio eeeeeh bado sijapika.si kijana wa watu nikaekewa chai alf ilikua strong tea compared to uji nilikua niende kukunywa.
’mbona usioe’ama unaogopa expenses?mi nika mjibu I had a girl though tuliachana.”sorry”mbona mliachana if I may ask?i loved the girl so shida ilikua kwa sex.madem uniacha even before we fuck”I had to use this words ndo mathe wa watu akue horny.wengi usema nikona dick kubwa na dem ashai accommodate dick yangu we only fucked once then she left though I pity her coz niliacha mtaro.from then I have to date a girl without showing her my mujubleng ju ataniacha.mathe wa watu akaniangalia na huruma nikajua we nihurumie design nitakulima utajua mchimba kisima utumbukia mwenyewe.
in this case I knew siezi tumbukia cos hawa madem wanono ukua na pussy tight alf utu twingine tukonde ka sphaggetti unapata shimo kubwa kuliko shimo la tewa.alaf sijawaambia,
……….Chapter
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